just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
