I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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