My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
