Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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