Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
