People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize