We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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