I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Someone signed my nipple.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
