HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
