My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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