sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
