It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
