youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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