Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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