You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
