Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
