Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i was born a porn star she said
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
