I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dude i'm inner monologue high
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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