Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
