I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
