i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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