i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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