Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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