we have officially lost it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
