Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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