I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
