they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
