omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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