The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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