I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
