Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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