i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
