Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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