But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
