i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
