You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
