You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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