I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
