8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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