it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
