a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
