Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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