I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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