two words...techno handjob
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
