What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
