Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
