just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
