you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
