I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
