I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I know her cup size but not her name....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize