Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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