I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
