Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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