that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
