i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
