I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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