im about as happy as oj after his trial
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
