you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
