i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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